honesty

maybe
today is one of those days
and I shrink into myself
the cold helps to withdraw
me and my head
me in my head
it's bad

I keep thinking not to think
just to keep it in

yeah I'm building walls again
brick by brick
slamming them into place
time to hide my face
it hurts less this way

let me run
I want to turn my back and flee
but He's got a firm grip on me
and He refuses to let go
'no', says He
'lady, I've called you to Me',
but in all honesty
I don't know

also
I don't want Him to let go
this hurts so much though
this growth
as I'm being pulled apart
rebuild,
old hidden hurts being stilled

so enmeshed with my sin
that this situation I'm in
feels like destruction
instead of redemption
and it seems easier
to just let go and flee

luckily
He's got a firm grip
on me

Sometimes its easier to run than stay and embrace growth.  It's a comfort vs conflict zone thing.  Having lived through a few conflict zone situations I realize that its better to leave the comfort zone, doesn't make it any easier though.

Patience

another day -
and I'm counting still.

how many more of these,
etchings,
do I need?

each scratch on the walls
of my soul,
screams,
a testimony of
this prison build
through my
impatience

and only
comes freedom
when letting go

see?

Today was again one of those days where I was so frustrated with my inability and impatience, wanting things that I know should wait.  And so I pace in my head, shaking my fists, when really what this impatience is doing is constricting me, robbing me of freedom to let go and let God.  I was reminded of this poem, which I wrote sometime last year when I went through a similar kind of impatience.  Guess I wrote this poem then to remind me now to not ever forget Gods timing is perfect and putting our trust in Him frees us.